Ted Lasso is a false idol
And other feelings on why women don’t get credit for emotional labor in the workplace
Hello sweet Builders, I hope you had a lovely week. I started a new job on Monday and my brain is literally mush! Instead of a weekly deep dive on building products, I hope you enjoy this extremely random feminist think-piece/wonky tribute to one of the best shows on the teevee right now. I love you Ted. Also if you’re not subscribed already, click the red button! -Nickey
A year and a half into a global pandemic and I have consumed an inappropriate amount of TV. You name it, I have likely watched it. I shouldn’t promote this because I’m trying to develop a brand as a smart professional woman, but I know you’re not judging because you were watching Tiger King when I was too. I see you.
One of absolute gems out there though, in the pandemic induced content drought, has been Ted Lasso. He’s a former football-turned-soccer coach and he’s full of … feelings. It’s a show full of optimism at a time when we need it most. It’s heartwarming, a true balm. And as a builder and a leader, I found it deeply refreshing to see Hollywood celebrate positive, productive leadership like it has with this show. It’s like Brené Brown wrote the Ted Lasso character herself, he is a walking “Strong Back, Soft Front, Wild Heart.” And then there’s Roy Fucking Kent.
If season 1 was a honeymoon though, season 2 made me pause. There were a handful of scenes that seemed familiar. When he ghosted out of the locker room to cry away from his team. When he just wouldn’t let people not like him. When he baked actual biscuits to gain favor. Those moments felt extremely similar to some of my own professional experiences. I was a little annoyed to see Ted take them on, and for me to love him even more for them; especially when they don’t make me proud when I do them myself. Does Ted have imposter syndrome too?
But there was another parallel I missed until this week when I read the 2021 Women in the Workforce study published by McKinsey & Company and LeanIn.Org. The study paints a pretty dismal picture for working women, who were hit the hardest and continue to be deeply impacted by the pandemic. Reliable childcare, nope goodbye! Stable jobs, nope goodbye! Existential burnout, hello! Upholding the emotional well-being of your team, your company, on your already over-tired shoulders, add it to our pile!
This study showed us that women have shouldered the burden of maintaining and increasing their team’s well-being at higher-rates than men. This work involves checking-in on teammates who are struggling, shifting workloads and advocating for changing priorities, managing burnout through so many 1:1s, always being around to bend an ear, advocating for better company benefits to help employees, being allies, championing DEI initiatives, generally being ~the glue~. All of these actions are emotional labor or soft skills and, as the study published this week shows, they are practiced more by women than men.
And these actions, while critical, aren’t being recognized. They go unnoticed because our society and professional culture is dominated by more “masculine” ideals of leadership. Those ideals are extremely outdated, and the pandemic has shined a very bright light on their desperate need for change.
The report outlines a number of haunting truths, but IMO the real rub is that in addition to the above, women of color who shoulder most of this work already, are recognized even less and fall behind at every step of the management pipeline, more so than white women. Women of color are expected to be the most resilient, to carry the weight of DEI initiatives, and to teach everyone how to be an ally. And then they need to show up to work everyday in environments that are not inclusive. As Roy would say, fucking hell no. If you read one thing this week make it be the above study, pay attention to the inequity even among women.
So back to Ted Lasso and how in the heck these things are even remotely related. This show, while so sweet, was bugging me because they took a male character and had him lead like a woman. He leads with empathy, builds trust, is honest, isn’t precious, influences without authority, and shows up in an emotionally-forward way like so many women have done during this pandemic. He is ~the glue~. The best leaders I’ve worked with, many of whom happen to be women, lead in this exact way, and Ted reminds me of them. Yet, these very women are fighting for simple recognition of the same tasks. A man does this work and we all collectively swoon. What is wrong with us!
Yale also recently published a study that shows that while women’s performance is rated higher than men’s, their leadership potential (a characteristic that they need to get promoted) is not. At the large retail company where this study was conducted women were 14% less likely to be promoted. I believe this is because we see that women are performing, but the ways in which they perform fall low on the leadership value scale. From the study:
“What is commonly talked about in terms of management and potential are characteristics such as assertiveness, execution skills, charisma, leadership, ambition,” Shue says. “These are, I believe, real traits. They’re also highly subjective and stereotypically associated with male leaders. And what we saw in the data is a pretty strong bias against women in assessments of potential.”
The soft-skills and emotional labor done to make teams run smoothly, to develop happy employees, to ship loved products, those skills aren’t considered leadership. And as a society we haven’t been taught to see that work or celebrate it, or make it part of the rubric we use for recognizing potential. Watch Prof. Kelly Shue unpack the study below 👇🏻
But back to Ted! If this show does one thing for us, I hope that it makes us think more deeply about gendered leadership qualities. I hope it can teach us to better recognize how our own internalized views penalize women in the workplace, especially women of color. If we can recognize and uphold these qualities in fictional leaders like Ted, then surely we can recognize and celebrate them in our real coworkers, especially the ones doing the emotional heavy lifting during a period of deep instability.
So that’s your homework tonight while you’re sitting on the couch with your popcorn gearing up for the new episode that just dropped. Take a moment to note all the times that you’ve admired how Ted showed up. On Monday when you head back to work, see who is already doing those same things on your team (and don’t be surprised when it’s a woman). What are you going to do about it? And as Ted would say:
Be curious, not judgmental.